I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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