when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
