I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
