I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
