Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
