well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize