the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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