i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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