omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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