We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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