So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
