i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
