he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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