The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
