my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
