I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
ugly people sure do ruin things
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize