that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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