Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
