The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
