no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
