Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
