So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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