Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
even my farts smell like vagina
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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