Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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