did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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