I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
