Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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