got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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