too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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