this beer tastes like vomit already
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
