Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
