You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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