Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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