The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
