Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
