last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
