I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
