Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
