I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
