oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
