I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
