You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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