very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
