Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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