I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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