I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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