my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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