mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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