You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
