Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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