Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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