At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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