Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
