Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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