In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
